The Death of a Life Skill
Talking to other people seems to be a dying skill these days.
Well, for those from younger generations than me.
Technology has become the death of the life skill – actually knowing how to speak to another person.
Are you old enough to remember answering machines?? This was one of the first ways that I remember people started dodging having to talk to someone. It was easier to call when you know they wouldn’t be home to answer and just leave a message.
Yes, people actually only had phones at their houses!!
Oh, another amazing technological advancement was #69. Dialing this after someone called but didn’t leave a message would give you the number that called.
You don’t believe me?? Google it 😊
Let’s see….what else. Oh yeah, Caller ID. Now we could decide to answer a call or not based on the number that popped up on the display.
And don’t think that you were fooling anyone when you didn’t answer. EVERYONE was checking Caller ID before picking up the phone.
Technology continued to advance and then came cell phones with their voice mail box. We had cell phones WITH US and when the phone would ring…we wouldn’t answer it…it would go to voice mail…we would check the message…and we might call back, most always hoping to get the persons voice mail.
Now cell phones have given us texting and video calling. Computers have given us email and even more video calling. It is almost to the point that we may not need to actually speak to anyone throughout the whole day.
And I will tell you that I believe this is a tragedy for our children.
To not be developing confident communicators is setting our children up for disaster in the “real” world, from jobs to relationships.
For the past almost 21 years, I have made it my job to teach my children how to speak to other people. All I could draw on was my own childhood. Yes, we were of a technology-less work way back then but I learned skills that are critical and have helped me be successful in life.
When I was a kid, my parents MADE me speak to people, in so many different forums.
It was always a race in my house to answer the phone when it rang. My sister and I would race out of our rooms yelling “I GOT IT!!” and hope you got there first. We were taught to answer the phone with “Hello, this is Dayna speaking”. I think this was mostly because my mom, my sister and I sounded so much alike but also, most of the calls coming in were for my mom and it was polite. When the caller would ask if my mom was home or available, I would say “Yes she is. I will get her. Just one moment please.”
Here’s the kicker. I am 51 and I STILL answer my phone like that. Except when the number pops up on my phone with “potential spam”. Those people only get a “Hello” because I don’t want them to know my name and when they ask for “Dayna Harvey” I can tell them they have the wrong number and to please take the number off their call list 😊
My parents also made me order my own food at restaurants. If I didn’t want to order from the server, then I didn’t eat. Harsh right??
No. Not at all. This is one of those things that I carried on with my children. From the time that they could say the words “chicken nuggets and french fries” and “pizza”, my children were ordering their own food. The sentence always started with “May I please have….” If they needed a drink refill, they asked for it. If they needed more honey mustard (because I think they liked it better than the chicken nuggets), they asked for it.
Servers would always comment on how polite the children were and seemed amazed that they could order their own food and speak confidently to adults.
My children are now 17, almost 19 and almost 21 and they STILL order their food that way. They were taught to be polite but to be confident.
Lets see….how else did my parents torture, I mean teach me, to speak to adults?? Some people reading this (my generation of people) will LAUGH….other people (younger and much younger) will be HORRIFIED.
When I was young, ages 6 – 12 I think, I swam for the Mission Marlins. Every season, every family had to participate in fund raising. We didn’t have Bingo or “opportunities” to sell cookies, wrapping paper, poinsettias or coupons to restaurants.
We had to HUSTLE and sell raffle tickets for some prizes that were donated by local businesses.
Since my parents (and honestly, most parents at that time) were not AT ALL interested in just paying for all the books of tickets to be done with it, I had to go and SELL these books of tickets.
This is a true story.
My dad would take me to the Safeway grocery store and I would stand outside the front doors and talk to EVERY. SINGLE. adult that walked in or out. (I have no idea how many hours my dad sat in his car in the parking lot, watching me sell tickets. I need to remember to thank him again for that.)
Here is what I would say:
“Hello, my name is Dayna Harvey and I swim with the Mission Marlins. I am selling raffle tickets to raise money for my team. First prize is….., second prize is…. and third prize is…. Tickets are $1 each. Would you like to buy some tickets to support my team?”
Was I always nervous at first. Sure. But after getting the first couple sales under my belt, I was off any running. By age 9 or 10 I could answer questions that were asked of me, about the team, about my swimming successes, about my family (EVERYONE knew my family), about school etc.
I was not afraid to speak to people, even adults. Were there crazy people out in the world then? Yep. Did that stop my parents from giving me the opportunity to learn this life skill? No. And I am sooooooo grateful to them for that.
They could have bought the tickets or my dad could have taken them to his workplace and asked his coworkers to buy some or my mom could have taken them to her bible study and asked the ladies to buy some. But they didn’t. They gave me the opportunity to raise money for my swimming and in that allowed me learn how to confidently speak to adults.
Parents, I encourage you to begin laying the groundwork that will help your child become a great communicator NOW. It is going to have to come from you because it is NOT going to come from the age and environment that we live in now. You will need to be an active participant in this process.
Here are 5 old school things that you might consider doing:
When your cell phone rings (and it is from someone you feel comfortable with), allow your child (at an appropriate age of course) answer it and navigate the conversation. It is always fun to let them answer the phone when it is Grandma or Grandpa (yep, I know, you probably have other names for them), other relatives or a good friend of yours that they know and they can chat a bit before handing the phone to you.
Instead of going through Drive Thru at your favorite fast food restaurant, park and go in so that your child can place their order, face to face with a person. I know, its inconvenient….thats why we have Drive Thru but trust me when I say that there is a HUGE sense of accomplishment as a parent as you watch your little one walk up to order, rest their little elbows on the counter and stand up on their tippy toes and ask for what they want.
If your child in involved with any team or activity that does fundraising, let them DO the fundraising. Money for things doesn’t just appear out of nowhere. Someone has to work for it. It doesn’t have to be you. Again, I know, this is inconvenient and time consuming but you are teaching your children a life skill that they will not learn anywhere else. Scope out some safe neighborhoods where your child can walk and then knock on doors. Decide on a goal and how it will be accomplished. Work on a “script” with them so that they will know what to say when someone answers that door. Teach them how to handle a “no” answer (a whole other topic!!) and to persevere. Celebrate a “yes” answer with them. While you are at it, give yourself a high five for stepping up your “teaching-my-kids-life-lessons” parenting game.
When you are shopping with your children, for things for them especially….toys, clothes, school supplies etc….have them take some things out of the cart, put them on the belt and allow them to complete the transaction with the cashier. Again, a 3 year old can’t do all of this, but you can have them be an active participant in the process so that when they get to be 7 or 8 or 9, these are already situations that they are aware of and confident in.
Include your children in conversations with other adults. If you take your child to work, find a way for them to interact a little bit with your boss or your co-workers. If you run in to someone you know at Target but your child does not know, have them introduce themselves. If it is someone your child knows, encourage a bit of a conversation. Here’s the thing, if you let your friends know what you are working on with your children, I bet they will be supportive and do their part in helping through the learning process.
Going back to communicating the way we did in the olden days isn’t going to happen….I accept it 😊 But what I can not accept is the losing of all the skills that way of communicating taught us. I will keep working on some more real world but old school opportunities to teach your children how to confidently communicate in but I would really like to hear some of your ideas and things that have worked for you and your child.
It truly takes a village to raise a child and I have learned that I have surrounded myself with super smart, amazing, well rounded people, I need to listen to the things they have to say and ask them when I need support, advice or encouragement.
So, please share….please ask….please be a part of this village.